I'm lost.




I don't know how to be found.




I don't know my way out.





Why the hell am I like this?

Sadness

I feel bad for feeling this way but I do.

I think everyone who reads this knows but if you don't I'm up at MIT doing a summer program.

So everyone here is overly nice and I like hated being home so much. But honestly, I've always loved my house and my room so much. But even more than that I loved my friends. This is actually much much harder than I thought it'd be. Yes everyone is nice and fun but like I really just need a good hug from one of my friends back home or just to see a few people even if it was just for a very short time.

I feel selfish because there are so many people who would love being here with their whole hearts and though I love it and am having tons of fun I am still missing people back home and the sadness is taking over me.

Strange Feelings

I knew it'd be sad to walk away. So say, "see you later." and know that was the last time it'd be said in a very long time and that later was far off.

It's really sad when you say goodbye to things that have been so normal to you for so long. To places that you've loved but you know you will rarely get the chance to see again. I've never done anything like this. I've left a lot before but I always knew that I and the people I was leaving were not going to make any major changes in the time I was gone and I knew when I was coming back.

But this time, I could come back as someone totally new. Everyone I'm leaving could also become someone new. Though I want people to stay the same I understand that they need to change and I also want people to grow and become who they are truly meant to be.

I feel as if I'm dying and like I'll be reborn on Saturday.

This is sad.

This is strange.

I don't like it.

It's over.

8 years and it all comes down to one little piece of paper.

I'm home and all the out of town people are going back home.

To the class of 2008:
It's been great to know all of you and I hope that I will get the chance to continue to know many of you. Peace, love, and all the best!

The work for senior year is finally officially forever over. We got report cards yesterday...

Who knows how but I got straight A's.

It's over. It's done.

8 years. Countless memories.

<3

I discovered a little more of me.

1. I need you (plural). Without you I do stupid things. I finally know I can be all that you see in me. I just have to keep you with me at all times.

2. You are a gift from God (plural).

3. No matter how hard you try, you cannot always change people.

4. You don't always have to slap a bitch.

5. Sometimes you have to give people what they want...even if you'd really prefer not to.

I guess that's all. I wonder if looking back on this in a year or more I'll remember what events made me learn these things.

I hope so and yet I also hope I don't. It's doesn't matter how the lesson was learned. So long as it was learned and is remembered.

Two Good Days

Hey,

I haven't been here in a while. But whatever.

So yeah,

yesterday was a good day. (school part doesn't count. senior projects are going to be the death of the next person who asks me their grade.)

but any way,

So, I hung out at Randy's till he had to work. Of course he terrorized me with a straight pin. That wasn't nice. Watched Cash Cab, such a good show :D.

Then I came home and washed my hair. That was nice. Used my new blow dyer and it actually had an impact on straightening out my hair which was like WOW.

Sleeping was nice too.

So today, yeah like I said before. School doesn't count. After school Quintin and I went to some shady copy center down the street from school to get my passport photos for interphse. btw link to blog is: click here if you want to read my blog while I'm away this summer. It was like those photos that you shake except these got pulled apart. But the guy clearly pulled it apart way too early since I ended up a much lighter shade of brown. But... w/e.

Then we were off to the Fairmount post office. And that was long. Cause I messed up then the lady told me the other envelope was cheaper so yeah idk.

Then we went to Quintin's and I finally saw the other cat. Then we walk to wawa. Then to the park. Yay swings! Yay amusing text messages! And then we walked around in Whole Foods and I brought one of those A Better Bag things.

That's all.

Bye.

My Secret Life as a Princess

A princess was taken and locked away in a castle.
My step sisters tied me to a pole.

She knew her Prince charming would soon come to save her.
I figured as soon as the adults came out they'd make my stepsisters untie me.

Just as she thought, Prince charming rode along on a trusty steed to come save her.
Tajah walked down the street.

The prince battled with the fire breathing dragon and climbed to the top of the castle to save the princess.
Tajah untied the very tangled rope.

Finally they knew, they had both found true love.
This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Together they mounted the steed and rode off into the sunset starting their new life together.
He and I walked to the corner store and shared popsicles.

My Deadly Sin.

Let's get this settled right now: I love my guy friends with all my heart. They are the most amazing people in the world and I would not trade them for anything.

Now to the issue:

If I had a deadly sin. It'd so be lust. I mean I'm not like lustful but that's the sin I'm closest too. So if you really know me, then you know that I don't get excited about big stuff I guess. Like if you dropped a million dollars in my lap I'd probably be like "Thanks." and move on (not really cause it's a million bucks but I think you get my drift). But like small little things in life can make me really happy and excited. Like the time when my brother came to visit but I didn't know he was coming, I couldn't even go get the door cause I started screaming and crying out of joy.

But yeah, I need more than a guy friend. Cause like, talking to and seeing my guy friends makes me happy and whatnot and doing nothing with them is better than doing something with a lot of other people I know. But, I'm missing something. As in a guy who is a little more than a friend. Someone who will... well I don't know how to explain it. But he'll make me happy in the same way my other guy friends do but also in a different way at the same time. I can't explain it. The best way I can think to describe it is how today I was going to have lunch with Jamal and Randy was like, "oh you're going to meet your boo." But like I wasn't going to see my boo. It was just Jamal. I want to be able to think, "Yeah, I am going to see my boo and that makes me really happy."

Basically, I need more than just another guy friend. It feels weird and I can't really explain it. But yeah.

(i'm a rambling idiot. this i know.)

Under Pressure

Man oh man. What have I gotten myself into... Let's see. Where should I begin?

Well... it all started last year when my mom and Mrs. Capp told all the juniors they should start thinking about senior projects. Well being the procrastinator that I am I didn't. So, months passed, I got into MIT, other less important things happened. You know. Time flies when you're having fun. And then BAM! like a smack in the face senior project proposals were due in one week and yet I didn't have a project. I was screwed. I had no clue what I wanted to do and time was going by fast.

Well here is a life lesson for you: It always pays to have friends who know what they're doing, in any area, and will save you when you're in a bind.

Well see, I was supposed to work with Quintin. But this jerk ditched me and went to work with some lady who ended up ditching him and then reporting him to the dean for hating school (but that's another story). :P (I love you Quintin.) And then, there was Randy. One of my BFFs but boy oh boy does he hate working with other people. So when he told me I could join his project I was like :o. And I had nothing else to do. So why not?

So then I had this senior project that was working with a cardiologist at Hahnemann Hospital. And it was meh. I just wrote the paper and then Monday was our first day and I thought I'd just roll through the two weeks.

But seriously, OMG I cannot tell you what a life changing experience this has been. That horrible diet I used to have is over. Talk about scared strait. I'm not trying to end up on one of those beds. :/ And now, I'm considering going to med school! ME AT MED SCHOOL? Ha! Who would have thunk it? Not I for sure. But, I may get to mix both of the things that I like. My maybe new life's goal making a permanent fake heart. I could probably do it if I tried hard enough. And I could also try to make stuff that makes it easier for patients and stuff. Cause that would be usability. Which is my first professional lover. :D

We'll see though. So now, I'm under pressure. Because I went to lunch with Jamal today and so I didn't get to Olney until 7, which is when school bus passes stop working (lame). So I called my mom to see if she'd come get me but she was looking at some house with her friend. And so I decided to see if the C bus driver would met me on since it was only 7:12. And so he asked me why I was late. And I told him how a guy had come in with a heart attack which made me late. (I for got about the Jamal part but I was late meeting him cause of the heart attack so yeah...) Then the bus driver kept talking to me and made me promise that I'd be a cardiologist and a good Muslim if he let me ride. I told him I couldn't promise I'd be a cardiologist since I'm squeamish. Then I talked about the fake heart stuff and told him how I was going to MIT. Turned out he was also the radio host on that Muslim show that comes on Saturdays that my mom listens to. And yeah, he was like oh that's so nice that you're going to MIT and stuffs and told me I should go make a fake heart. (The conversation was a lot deeper than that lol that's just my retarded summing it up.) But yeah, so now, I have to go make a fake heart. :/

I've met so many random people who now tell me I'm like an inspiration and stuff. And I'm just like whoa. I don't even like getting out of bed in the morning so if I inspire you, what does that say about you? But now I feel all this pressure to be like amazing. Even though I'm starting to like the heart stuff, I still don't know what to do. I just don't want to be lame. We'll see. And I'll keep praying. And hopefully it'll all work out in the end. :D

So... it's been a while.

There has been a lot of things on my mind. I've been wanting to write them all down but I could never bring myself to do it. I think part of me wanted to let these thoughts float away to the back of my mind. Which they have and, now that I think about it, I'm glad they have.

Today was the last day of senior year. Basically. Shocking at how not sad I am. I mean I'm not happy either. I'm just not nearly as sad as I thought I'd be. But maybe I'll get sadder as time goes on. We'll see...

I'm going to go back some more clothes and work on some stuff for people.

Later loves.

One down...

...four to go. Well three the way you look at it.

So today, I did my goverment AP exam. I tried to take the multiple choice slow and look at each question carefully so that I did not make stupid mistakes due to going fast as I had done during the practice tests. I killed three of the openended! :D but one of them killed me :/. I hope I get a 5. *prays* That would be so amazing!

Up next: Computer Science (AP)

Wednesday: Calc BC *prays for another 5*Though, if two 5s is too much to ask I'd much prefer a 5 on the Gov than the Calc, cause I don't really want to move up the math ladder at MIT...

Thursday: English final, we had the option to submit our own questions but I lost the question that I have thought of so now I have to do one of her questions :/ But it should be ok...

Friday: Freedom! (but a full day of classes)

Saturday: Studying @ Doc's house...

Tuesday: Chem AP

So, I've got a semi full schedule. I'll review a little bit of comp sci but tonight I'll probably work a lot more on calc.

That's all. I am uber sleepy.

Good luck to everyone else on their AP exams, well not really those people taking the same ones as me...the better you do the harder it is for me to get a 5 :P JK. Everyone should do their best w/o killing themselves!

Later loves.

The most awesomely awesome birthday ever!

Pictures are: here

I began the day not wanting to get out of bed. Like most other days. :D But, I got up anyway and went to school. I got breakfast. Which I rarely do and it was rather tasty!

I got to school and gathered all the 7th grade language class selection papers for Mrs.Capp since she had a doctors appointment and couldn't be there to do it herself. Then it was class time. Gov was normal. We did this cool thing in English where you tape a paper to your back and have people write nice things on the paper. Lunch was interesting lol with all the togas and kool-aid pong. I dropped the MIT shirt that Healy gave me (which is amazing thank you again) and had to go get it. When I went back to the room Mrs. Pincus was there and she asked me did she write on my paper. I told her that she had and then she was like,

"Oh I also wanted to say that I'm impressed by the way that you are able to be so opinionated yet at the same time you're really open. You stand strong in what you believe but will always give other's ideas a chance. That's a hard line to walk but you walk it well."

That made me feel really good. Then math was normal and in comp sci they sung happy birthday to me after Mr. Gray heard me telling Healy it was my birthday. Then Randy and Sonia told Doc it was my birthday so they sung in Chem too. They started the skip around the room stuff but I never actually skipped in hopes that we could keep it going the whole period. Sadly, Doc made them shut up lol. Essay was, well essay. We watched more Sweeney Todd.


After school I hung out with Quintin. <3 Then I went and ate lunch with Shayne. <3 Stupid Ruby Tuesday's and their new dumbass menu. I used to love them more. Then it was only 5 when I got to broad and only so I called Randy to see if he wanted to hang out. He said yes. So I went to over to Randy's. <3 I walked to the basement and you know what I found?? A CAKE! Lol. And water to wash it down. (He knows me too well) I was totally surprised. We hung out there for a little while then he drove me home and went to work.

The day is not over yet! There is still 31 cent scoop day at Baskin Robbins && that oh so wonderful English paper that will take me all night lol.

Later loves.

One of the many reasons Kate thinks I'm crazy...

please realize I am a very rambly person and i wrote this while being overly tired

I think I'll begin this plain, simple and clear: As it is in it's present state I am HIGHLY against affirmative action.

:o shocking? I know right.


So anyway today in gov we sat in class and we shared our views on affirmative action. Some people mentioned how there is still white privilege and another person thought that we should take not of the fact that there are only two black people in AP Gov and that most of the other AP classes are lacking in minorities.

Let's start with this thing that has to do with Masterman. There are no black kids in the top classes because it just so happens that most of the black people don't want to take these courses. It's not like they don't have the option to, they just don't sign up for them. And I mean I understand the whole thing about like "history and things that happened in the past cause minorities to tend to not reach as far as others do" but it's Masterman. That doesn't apply. Everyone in that highschool knows the benefits of taking AP classes and the benefits of taking the non-AP classes and so it just ends up with few black people in most of the AP classes.

The main reason that I oppose affirmative action is the reason people try to give about why there so few minorities in higher level courses. Though I do not agree with this idea when it is applied to Masterman, I do think that it can be applied other places. Throughout U.S. History minorities have been kept down and so many of them still feel stuck down today, like they cannot try to gain more in their lives because they will just be pushed aside as their ancestors were. But, there are some minorities (like myself) who know that they can have whatever they want in their life. If you want more qualified minorities in high places they key is not to help them after they've made it through high school or college, the key would be to help them from birth placing them in better schools and more productive environments.

Now, this is what I find uber salty and funny about Affirmative Action, many people think that it rights the wrongs of white privilege. The problem with this is that many people also fail to see the Black privilege that it creates. I have an edge over my white male friends because I'm a black female. I also have access to a lot more help than they do because people want to help the "sad minority." This puts me in a position where I can achieve more by doing less than white males. Doesn't seem right to me, but I know it's true.

Affirmative action as it is now helps the wrong group of people. It helps people like me who are already college bound and don't really need help. It gives me a little extra boost. When really, it should be helping the kid who has a lot of potential but was not able to reach his / her full potential because they ended up in a sucky neighborhood school where they were written off as another hood rat who was not going anywhere in life. It should help those kids that bomb the SAT not because they aren't smart but because of the fact that they had no clue what they were getting into. It sort of pisses me off that affirmative action helps me, who does not really need it, instead of my friends who I know who do. It's not really a help, once it kicks into place the person is pretty much past all the problems they had to face that would hold them back.

My other problem with affirmative action is that it always leaves people looking over their shoulder wondering if they got to where they are not because they were qualified but because they were black. It's somewhat of an insult when colleges that accept people based on a point scale add points because of an applicants minority status. That says that they generally expect minorities to come in being worse than everyone else. And, it does allow some under qualified people to be let in over qualified people which is a serious problem and gives people grounds to make statements questioning how a minority got into a school/job. It also leaves me feeling like somewhat of a hypocrite. I can sit here and speak about how I'm against affirmative action but sitting right next to me are two of the many scholarships that my mother has had me fill out that are for minorities. I have to take these advantages because I need the money, but I feel bad knowing that I have many more scholarship opportunities than non-minorities who I know also need money. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but I do know that I will have to keep doing these scholarships because my mom needs the money.

I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. I wish there were no such thing as the office of minority education at MIT which is devoted to making sure that the minorities achieve. Who is there to make sure that all of the non-minorities achieve? Maybe one day it won't be this way. Maybe one day we'll be able to give each child the same chances and so whatever position he or she is in by senior year of high school is due to their own good or bad decisions. But we would also have to make sure that they had proper counseling because a lack of a good family structure is one thing that leads to this gap that people are trying to fix with these stupid policies. Ugh. This is way too much to think about, and too big a problem for a 17 girl who is sleep as hell. So I guess this is where I'll end. It's just something to think about.

Day of Silence / Blackout Against Malaria Day

Day of Silence:

Though I'm not sure that it really does anything or raises any awareness, I still wish that I could have done it. But I couldn't because my mother works at my school and she is a homophopbe and though I'm sure she would not have said anything outright about it, she would have made some sort of comment that would have just made me mad. For now I act the way she wants me to but... MIT here I come, as the person I want to be :D. Props to all the people who participated in the Day of Silence.

The Blackout Project:

So, I thought that I would see A LOT more black facebook profile pictures. I took the time to invite every person that I knew (only once, if your facebook is dumb like mine is the event probably didn't get deleted the first time you tried, if you tried). But, even after inviting everyone I knew most people still had their normal facebook pictures. It just seemed like such a simple thing to do. I thought more people would. Idk I guess it doesn't matter but still I thought more would.

Nothing To Say.

I don't really have anything to say.

I just feel like blogging.

The elections are tomorrow. I hope Obama wins and Hillary shuts up. I just want this first part to be over. It'd be weird if she lost cause then she would have to be like "Oh well, it's clear you, the country, don't want me. So I'm just going to back up and sit down now." I mean sure one of them would have to do it one day but still... meh. mah. moo (goes the cow.)

ok i think it's clear that I've gone over the edge. So i'm going to end this here.

:D

Realization:

you should like people for WHO they are... not WHAT they are.

This is why I can't come back...

So, it's probably no secret that I don't really have a home. I have houses. I've spent a lot of time always trying to find a place that I could call my home and people that I could call my family. My mom tries so hard to make me think that her house is my home and that her family is my family. But I just wish that she would give up. Because they are not. She keeps denying the fact that I hate being here and that I don't like her husband or their daughter. But that is exactly what they are to me.

I don't think my mother understands that every time I say something along the lines of, "I'm not coming back here," and then she later does one of her, "Well why did you say that? You know I want you to always feel like this is your home..." speeches, I want to run out of the room. Or just shake her and say, "Get over the fact that I hate your house! I have and it would be great if you could to!" Both of my parents think that I like the other one more. But they fail to see that I dislike them both equally. But neither of their houses could ever be my home. And neither of their families could ever be mine. It's plain and simple and so I have always realized I must find my own family and home... but this is why.

My mother's ideal world closes people in too much where as my father's world pushes others out too much. Every time my Mom and I start talking about MIT she goes "you better not get caught up with those kids up there. Remember you're a Muslim going to MIT, not a person at MIT who happens to be Muslim." If you shove stuff down people's throats they are going to throw it up. That's the way the human body works. Sorry but it is. My father on the other hand tells me that I should go up there and worry about me and no one else. Sorry, but I love helping and lifting other people. It's kind of the main reason that I felt MIT would be the best fit for me. There isn't that get a head mentality that I'm sure my father wants me to have. But I don't have it, and I'm glad I don't.

Today, on the news they were talking about the Pope. And my little sister goes, "I hate the pope." I except my mother to tell her that she shouldn't say things like that but instead my mother just sits there and continues to eat her pancakes. In my head I'm like "WTF is wrong with these people?" So I ask Khadijah why she hates the pope and she goes, "I don't know I just do." After I glare at my mother for a little she goes, "Well you shouldn't hate the pope he is just a man." Alejandro talks a lot about brainwashing. Well Ale, this is brainwashing at it's best. When you get people to hate other people who they don't even know and they don't know why they hate them.

I can't be closed in. I can't be crazy Muslim and I can't be crazy anti-other people. Honestly, I have never felt closer to God than I do at this point in my life. I know He's there. And I'm sure that He's helping me through this. I can't come back here. I can't go back there either. It wouldn't be good for me. And it'd probably hurt them to see the road that I'm headed down.

Dear Mommy and Abu,
I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry that I'm actually glad that I'm not what you wanted me to be. I'll take the sense you gave me and put it to good use. But there are somethings I just don't agree with. I never really fit in either of your homes. I hope that one day you two can be happy, apart and separate and be content with knowing that I'm happy. Sultan rarely calls, and I might be the same way. I'm sorry if this hurts you. But I'm not sorry for being me.

?

What is love?

Today is (inter)National Poke Ben Jones Day! Wooo! This should so be an official holiday!

Well. Life is going ok. But I might be failing gov and Doc might give me a C. Let's hope I don't get kicked off of NHS or get my admissions rescinded. The latter would suck a lot more than the former. :D


I had an interview with Concerned Black Men today. I think that it went well. There was one question that I just didn't know how to answer because I just don't know what to do. It was basically what should we do about violence towards Masterman students on the subway. All I could say is that people should take the general safety precautions and hope for the best. I don't know what to do when you have a city full of kids who don't want to see others excel and a school full of not so strong kids who are excelling. :/.

The weather is nice. It was kind of hot today but I enjoyed it.

Stupid Omar posted a horrid picture of me in the MIT blogs. I'm the one looking like an idiot in the pink scarf doing the cha cha slide.

Hopefully soon I'll be finding out about Interphase. Fred thinks that I'll get to go. I hope I do because that would be overly amazing! Hopefully all the chat people that applied will get in. That would be more fun :D.

Ok I think that's the end of all my rambling. Bye loves.

?

I never knew that so much could change in such a small amount of time. I never thought that things would end up this way. Infact, it used to be my biggest fear that I would end up like this. But now that I'm here, it's not so bad. In fact, I'm kind of glad.

Things are easier this way.

I have begun the procecess that much naturally take place after one moves from highschool to college. And honestly things are going much more smoothly than I thought they would. God willing, I'll start at MIT on June 22nd so that I will be ready for the fall. I hope I get this because I feel that it is what would be best for me. I hope certain other people get to go too. Because that would be fun^2.

I'm ending this now because Quintin wants to go.

Bye.

600 Toothpicks and Stolen Flowers

I knew that when I woke up today that the day would be filled with a lot of pain and happiness. There was no way to stop it and no matter how unfair certain parts of this system may be, it is the way that it is and I don't see it changing for a long time. Anyway, I will always remember the defining moments of this day, the good ones where people decided they would go to this good school because it was good and they'd be happiest there (of the places that they got into). But as for the sadness of this day, it is gone. I'm sure it was much easier for me to get over it since I was not opening any letters today that I did not know what they already said but still, I did feel some sadness too.

But. Moving on.

Today, in my mind will forever be the day filled with flowers and 600 toothpicks. This is how it happened. Well Quintin and I were walking back from liberty place. Outside of liberty place there is a hotel with beautiful flowers that smell amazing. So, I decided that I would get some for Quintin. The flowers were one of those ones that has like a big stalk with a lot of little individual flowers. So there were two sitting on the wall of the hotel. So I picked them up and gave them to him. But then we decided that we wanted more. Part of me thought that I could stand and pluck them off but as we began to walk past one, two, three pots, I realized that was not going to happen. So when we got to the forth stalk, I just reached down to my side and snapped the flower at the stem. It came off really easily. But then Quintin and I were left with the burden of walking around with this stalk full of little flowers and no where to put them. So we decided to go to a dollar store and find small jars. We ended up getting toothpick jars (3 per pack, 100 toothpicks in each jar), one pack for each of us. For those of you not so good at math that is where the 600 comes from. Our projected ended up being very beautiful but while walking re realized that there is no one else that we could so something like that with.

Today will be remember whenever I use a toothpick. Today will be remembered whenever I walk past that hotel. Today will be remembered many other times and many other ways but when I remember it, it will contain 600 toothpicks, stolen flowers, and no sadness.